I wanted to send this to you on your birthday, but I don’t know whether you will have time to read it. But then, when I thought about what happened today, I thought I would rather send it to you sooner. I dedicate this poorly written poem to the best human I have known so far. I grow older but a few things does not change…

As man I was, I looked into those curious eyes…
you didn’t know what i was or why i was holding my thoughts …
you got worried but I know but you were excited to see me..
and i kept staring at you and into those deep brown eyes in your picture…

I started to call and then slowy started to talk…
you were an amusing thing to me..
you made me laugh with all the funny words and pranks
I enjoyed your company..

You were my star entertainer, to make me stay awake and skip my fatty dinners…
and I always used to wait gazing at the clock for you to board the van…
and as soon as u did i jumped with so much excitement I didnt realise you were tired
you just smiled and talked to me…

When I started to go to work you fell asleep …
but you were always on my mind even though i had my friends
but I know you were much more cooler than all of them put together
I remember boasting so much about you that you packed your bags and left for shopping with your friends..

I was then alone in my office room where we talked and fought …
the fights we had when i used to sneak in and make you tell me to go to hell..
I felt the vaccum inside then…I looked at my bookshelf..it had two things of yours I held it tight for a moment…
I knew right then… I had to wait…a long wait it had to be

I am difficult, no one understood me, not even me…
but you always knew…somehow you knew
you had so much confidence in me that I’l over come the phase…
you were the only one.. and eventually I did…and the reason is more than obvious

Look at me now…days not many but still the ones that passed have groomed me differently…
I don’t have an identity of my own with a sense of self…but I’m a big man now becoming a better man…
you are settling with a great goal and a future dream and all…
and im really happy for you..

With time we will change, our minds and attitudes will take many twists and turns …
we’ll have so many distractions and other people in our lives…
we’ll live differnt lives…
and we’ll grow to accept that…

But dear…inside I am still your friend who will laugh fight and stand big in front of you…
and challenge you to strech your temper…nothing has and will change one bit..
everytime i think of you im am overwhelmed with as much excitement as i had when you first said Hello to me…
I would hold your hands and not let it go…even now..for you are too precious to me …

I stare into those deep brown eyes now only to say that you mean the world to me…
I can make sentences and write a poem now…
you are my best friend,my light,my teacher,my strength,my weakness …
you are my gift of god…and you are my HERO..

I went there to pick her up. She made a little smile but mostly silent. She asked me to drive her to her friends place. She briefly talked about the flight delay and mostly I remind silent. I knew that she was going through a challenging time. Her marriage decision. Her parents have asked her to marry a groom and she utterly hates the arranged marriage. However, she hates me as well. Hence, there was no discussion about anything between us. I drove slowly that day.. I normally never let a car pass by me. I was seeing her after almost 40 days, and god knows when I would see her again. So, every second of my driving time with her on my side worth a million years in my life.

We reached her friend’s place and then we went to eat dinner. She was tired and quiet and spoke to her friends. She never said a word to me nor she looked into my eyes. I was silent and she was silent as well. The silence could not be broken. She behaved as though I was not present there while eating our dinner.

I dropper them back and I finally shook her hands and she reluctantly offered her hands for a shake. She showed her displeasure in her face.. I left quietly and went back to my hotel room. I had booked the room near her place because I was tired and it was too late for me to drive as well.

The next day morning I called her to find out whether she needed any assistance to drive around. She said she was fine and I left. I then asked her whether she needed help to move the luggage from her friend’s place. She said yes I went to her friend’s place on the 6th. I rented UHaul truck and loaded all her belongings and drove back to her Dorm. I moved all the luggage and then we went to get some groceries. I asked her what else she needed from me. Initially she wanted me to stay and do some move of luggage from her friends place and later she decided that I should not stay. So, she asked me to leave. I asked her if she was sure about this. She just said..”listen to me once and leave” in Hindi. I remained silent again and told her that I would leave.

I left and drove back again to drop the UHAUL and took my rental car back to my room. I felt terribly sad, which I could not explain. Everyone may feel that I am some idiot or foolish. But this girl brought me the life and my life is detaching from me. And it was so painful and yet I bear it because I do not want to let my feelings hurt her anymore. Let her be happier in her life.

I wrote her a few emails on her training. She did not respond to it as usual. May be she is busier now a days with new place and life. I am probably the last one in her list to worry about communicating anything.

Her friend called me today to see how she is doing. She was the one who made me appear bad in front of J. But now she feels that I am not that worse as she thought. It does not matter to me now.. the days are dooming.. The sun is raising the west for me..

I lied as well to find a life. One difference, is that I found the new love that exactly reminds me of my idealism and my childhood life. She is not there anymore, but she is the one I am searching for. She is gone… I know she exactly thinks of me as the opposite of who I am. Perceptions and life.. That became a reality now. I just can not find her again. I can only think of her as a dream, an ever lasting dream of my life.

It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor.

But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Ahh…Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You love it. You hold it. You dance with it. And it stays until your last beat of your pulse and it becomes the last breath of your life.

                    “You can go” said the lieutenant, “but I don’t think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away.”

                    The lieutenant’s words didn’t matter, and the soldier went anyway. Miraculously he managed to reach his friend, hoist him onto his shoulder, and bring him back to their company’s trench. As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench, the officer checked the wounded soldier then looked kindly at his friend. “I told you it wouldn’t be worth it” he said. “Your friend is dead, and you are mortally wounded.”

                    “It was worth it, though, sir” the soldier said. “What do you mean?” responded the lieutenant. “Your friend is dead!”

                    “Yes sir. But it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive, and said, ‘Jim, I knew you’d come’.”

The moral of the story is a friendship does not mean that you give life, but to be there at times when you need them the most. I tried to be a real friend to a very few but our past and situations makes people decide whether to accept it or not. Moreover, friendship also involves risks, for which people should be ready for risking their entire life to be there for one that one single moment, which can prove the value of a true friendship. This is rare but it does exist.

I spent 6 long years with this pain. I could not tell this to anyone. I felt the misery all alone and prayed in front of you for hours and cried alone, wherever I could not be seen by others. I tried my best to show that I was strong and willing. But deep inside, I am weak and destroyed.

I spent hours of time with my children. But they could not complete me. I found a soul that healed my pains and created the strength. That soul has walked away from me, with an assumption that I am a worthless and incredibly bad human being. Why so? Is it your way of creating me. You made me show all the desperation inside me to that soul. I found myself being perceived as a pathetic human in front of that soul. I tried my best to be closer. But I was pushed away all along. I sit and cry for this loss. I wish no one should feel the way I feel today. I was called with bad names, treated like a street dog, disrespected like an unscrupulous human and discarded like a junk. All these for what? For being in love with someone who life is better than mine? I was told get lost, for the second time in my life. I don’t have anything to prove and never tried to prove anything too. I followed your words. I was told to fuck off. I was told to look at myself in the mirror and spit on my face. Why so? Is my face and my heart is such a dirt? I feel worse to live on this earth. But I do live and digest this. Why? God, tell me why should I live this low life? I have called you many times to help me and you were there. When I was in death bed you were there. When I called you to save my son you were there. When I called you to help me to find a soul you were there. But today, I raise my hands in need for your help to save my heart. You are not answering. Why do you discriminate me today? Please answer my call. I don’t have anyone to go to. I have lost my strength that you gave me. Why do you do that to me dear god? Are you telling me to continue my life without love inside my heart? If so, you are cruel in my eyes. You told me that love is eternal. You told me caring and working to better for someone’s life is noble. You told me not to discriminate others to reach out someone.  What is that you expect in me, you almighty today? What wrong I did for you not to answer my prayers? I did not see you as a stone. I saw you as a friend. You betray me today, with nothing but a silence. Why is this drama? I made a mistake and you asked me to ask for forgiveness and show love.  I did what you told me to do. I still do not get your answer to it. Do you want me to I will continue to do until you open your damn mouth and answer my call? Is this misery not enough? I am being called as a inhuman behind my back in this society. Why so dear god? Is this life of mine irreversible? Why cannot you say something today? I see you smile. Is there a secret behind this smile? I am clueless dear god. Please answer me. If you don’t, take me with you. I need an answer from you or I will never see you again in my life.

I fought 11 years of my life trying to get what a normal person will find it with no effort at all. I accepted my parents wish with no second thoughts and I believed in every aspect of my social obligations. I could not find a peace inside me. I changed myself in every possible way to meet the needs of my family, friends and close ones. I quit every possible habit, need and desire in me to gain their care. But, it went futile. No one could understand who really I am and what I deeply was looking for. All I wanted was someone to be friendly, considerate and loving. I did not get that from anyone except my mother. But she also gave up on me, once I got married. I felt alone and cried like a child many times. I became mentally and physically wounded repeatedly, which made as the most unwanted human among the closed one. I resorted to several remedies to overcome this fear of loneliness and my wounds inside me. I started working harder and reading again. It was a difficult thing to do this when the heart is not in place. I did that in spite of everyone’s apprehension.

Deep inside me I was longing for love and care. I was ready to give up everything to feel that inside me. I finally found someone who was a true replica of me in many ways. Deep inside her there was endless cry to find her peace. I could feel it and understand it. I felt she will also understand me. I wanted her to tell the whole truth from day one, but I feared that she will leave me if she knows the truth. I became a child who threw tantrums and showed adamant behavior to retain the precious doll I found. When there was no light and no life, I found a bright shining star that I could follow and redefine myself. I lied to her with fears inside me and cried every moment when I lied. I knew that once the truth is known, I will lose the life I found. I was older than her by 13 plus years but deep inside my heart; I was only a child who was 24. My mind and heart never grew beyond that since I never experienced a fair, loving and caring life after that point. I had two children who were born, unnaturally. I was ashamed of being called as a man. I could never feel the love, affection and feelings a man would look for from a woman. My self-esteem, my internal spirit was getting killed. There was no one to even say it. I could not divorce, because of the social fears. I grew up to be a man with no real life accomplishments. Rather I was failing every second inside me. I hide myself from everyone. I quit my job because I could not continue to associate myself with my wife and pretend that I was married. Neither I could divorce and walk away. I was facing the worse unsolvable situation in my life. I did not know what to do. I cried for several years and prayed god to help me find my peace.

But when I found you, I found a real life inside me. A life that I can give up everything for and a purpose that is beyond materialistic values of life. I did not care about anything but to be with you. There were so many similarities and differences between us. You were a wounded child, who could not express your birth and your inhibitions. You wanted someone to open you up and make you feel stronger and better. I was a wounded man, who wanted to find a new life. You were imbibed with fears of the realities of brutal society. I was engulfed with fears of realities of brutal personal disasters. You were looking for a heart that would look at you with no partiality. I was looking for a heart that I can show everything with no partiality. You were a young girl. I was a matured man. You were unmarried and fresh. I was married and still fresh. You were 26 and I was 39. You were a child and I had children. You were analytical and inquisitive. I was a solution. You were trying to hide. I was trying to open out. You loved someone and hurt some. I showed love and got hurt. I was intelligent. You were a sponge to learn it. You were blunt and I was articulate. You were friendly, I wanted closeness. You were gorgeous. I was ugly. You were truthful but never revealing, I was untruthful and revealing. One common similarity is that we both were wounded soul looking for someone to sooth each of us. I was soothing, but only until you found the truth about my past. From the moment you found my real past, you found my words were untrustworthy and abrasive. You discriminated me in every possible way that one human can possibly be. You expected a man with my background to be talking and behaving in certain way that you were taught and imagined. I could not do that because my past had no such experience. I had nothing but a blank wall for 15 years of my life. You imagined and expected that wall to be painted with maturity that you saw in others. I could not do that because I did not mature at all. I was a clumsy, stupid and a non-sense in your eyes. My words became bullshit and my looks, my appearance and my life was stinking. I started losing interest in myself. I still remember how much I was excited to see you at the Boston airport and I wore my T-shirt upside down.  It takes a few hundred dollars for me to looking wonderful in front of the society. I had that life and it brought me no real happiness inside me. You were my real happiness. Everything else looked below ordinary to me.

You were scared that my behavior and emotion will make your life go in shambles. I could not see you go away from me. You were my oasis of all the hopes in my life. I could not find a way out of it. When you pushed me away, I came back to you again and again because there was no one. I could not wake up without thinking that you are there. I failed to be myself, unless I could think that that I will definitely hear from you, whether it is about how bad I am or whether you needed something from me. I never expected that you will speak to me or treat me as a human. I was even fine being treated as a low life. But I could not let you go out my heart. I became pathetic inside me with this feeling. No one really saw it, including you. When you shouted at me, ignored me and discarded me, I still kept dreaming that you are there somewhere and you remember me. Such is the pathetic situation of this man.

 I helped you with no expectations but with only to keep the words I gave you. You resigned your job because of me hoping that you will forget the past and create a new life for yourself. I could not betray you on that aspect. I promised that no matter how you and the world will see me and treat me, I will not stop myself from doing the things you need. I know on several occasions, you felt worse and scared because I helped you beyond what you wanted or you needed. You felt that I was not doing the things you wanted. I did all the things you asked me for, but my explanations to them were not credible enough because there was a clear lack of trust and you were new to the system.  My own knowledge became my enemy in painting a wrong picture of about me. I could see that but I could not prevent it. I had to help but my explanations for such help became meaningless to you. You started ignoring me. Many times, you made me cry showing your distrust in me on everything I did for you. You could never gain confidence in me. I was partly responsible for such distrust. I cannot completely deny it. I was blamed for someone hacking your email. With Ru____ painting her own picture of me to you, your progression in discarding me got accelerated. I could not stop it. When my legs broke, I was fighting against a time and perception that I could not win.  I had no one to even say it. I got angry many times, because I was disabled mentally and physically. I could share it only with you. I was going through a situation where you became both the receiver and the giver. It was you to whom I was wanted to ask everything and it was you to whom I wanted to give everything. It became too much of non-sense.

There is something that I know my greatest strength is, which my greatest weakness in me. It is my sense making. You now see me as an object of use rather than a life. Every response you give me seems like you put the bad image of me in your mind and respond. You think that I must be responded in only a specific way that tells me that I am a useless and worthless human in your life. That is something another human cannot tolerate whosoever it may be. Deep inside your heart, you are wounded as well. Definitely those wounds were created by your own acts and assumptions. You treated yourself as a scheduled caste person and pushed S___ away. Even now you feel that pain inside you. You feel that you lost a good friend and life partner. I cry deeply inside for him. My presence only aggravated such wound. Initially during our relationship, my words gave you the medicine and strength to recover from that wound, but over a period of time, you found that I am interested in you. That made you feel worse. During 2008 April, S___ got engaged and you felt betrayed. You turned your anger on me. Since then you continued to blame me for everything in life. You even could not speak to me for a few seconds without yelling and shouting. You became pathetic. I did not say a word about S___ to you but I knew where all those anger came from. I was your anger outlet for the past 9 months. You ran all around the US, tried to make new friends, but deep inside you were wounded and crying. There was no place to turn to. I was sad that I could not help you.  You could not trust me.

Now, you are in India, going through even the worst pain, the pain of your family’s push to get married to a groom. You are not ready for it. Deep inside you want someone to forgive you for what you did to him. Dear, we are on the same boat here. We all commit blunders, we all commit irreversible mistakes and we miss the life. We ask for forgiveness. But we cannot forgive ourselves. We want the love to forgive us. As you are looking for S___ to forgive you, I am looking for you to forgive me, a true one. But, I know it is not coming for both of us, because true forgiveness is to accept without any change. We are not god and hence there is no place for true forgiveness in our hearts.

I wish that I will not wake up alive, but I do. There is no immediate end to this sorrow. I know you cannot forgive and I cannot forget. I am waking up everyday thinking about you but with nothing but a prayer for a true forgiveness.

My son called me up today at about 8 pm. I had to go to Connecticut but due to some issues at work I stayed back.  He said he finished the 13th book of “The series of unfortunate events”  by Lemony Snicket. A new kind  of book where children from a family, go through series of events in their lives to to finally succeed.

My son felt really good about it when he said he finished all the 13 books. I can see that he is challenged by his sister’s ability to read. She is 12 and she is a voracious reader. She also writes really well and a possess a good oratory skill. She is trying to write SAT (which is  usually taken after 10th grade). She scored 2260 out of 2400 in her practice test. She is now in seventh grade. After seeing his sister reading and performing well, my son is keen in gaining appreciation from me. Now, he frequently calls me and explains me how well he is doing. I appreciate him often than normally, since he lacks confidence in him. He is only 7 years old and he is very psyched about going to harvard.

After our little talk, I asked him like whom he wants to be when he grows up. He said, I want to be myself. I was really happy with his answer. I asked again, who is his hero. And he said, Einstein. I asked him why..He said, Einstien is the best attorney in the world. I could not control my laughter. I told him Einstien is a scientist .. He thought Einstien was an attorney and he wants to go to Harvard to be like him. Well, imagination has no limits in a child’s mind. He proved it.

While he was really young, he would ask me about how people in lower and middle portion on the globe would stand properly without falling into the atmosphere.  I think he was 4 years then and he asked the question after looking at the globe. He is inquisitive and very analytical, but he lacked focus all along. But I see a change in him slowly while my daughter is pushing herself towards the path of academic excellence.

Well, I miss you my dear, when  I think about my children. You were in some ways like a child with  me. A lot of trantrum and you took freedom without any inhibitions. On the otherside, you were also matured. I love both side of you. You are not with me anymore, but I feel your at every moment in my life, as everything around me seem like its all yours.

I waited for her to respond till noon.. Then I started to do my routine..nothing big. A boring day. I then spent time reading some Greenspan book that I recently bought. I called my parents and children and spoke to them a bit. Nothing seem to stick in my mind as of now. I am challenged myself at this point.

I spoke to Ravi later and then went to sleep. Woke up at 7 am and did some work outside in Banks and shopping groceries for the week. I will be going to CT tomorrow morning and then be back on thursday or so. None of my activities seem to make any sense, without her being part of it. Again, I don’t think this feeling is mutual. One may think that I am writing like a looser.. I guess thats the general perception of those who face a mighty unsolvable puzzle in their lives. So be it.

I hope she is doing well back home without any health or other issues that she does not want to deal with. She already had enough with me. I hope someday she will remember me….