Posted by: nolossnogain | August 10, 2008

there is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.

What seems like the end of your life sometimes is the begining of a new life. I certainly see the ending but I do not see the beginning. I saw her call last night on my phone, and I did not want to call her back. She is can only ask the same questions she has been asking me over a month. My brain stopped working. I haven’t done any thinking about work till now. I am still sitting and starring at my computer in FLL hotel.

I did not call my family or my friends over a month. I have about 100 missed calls in my blackberry. Some from my parents and some from my daughter. I still have not responded to those calls. I am feeling alone and sad. I do not know to whom I can express this sorrow. She is the only soul I can see I can go to. But she is not there anymore. She wants me to be “No one” in her life.

It is a departure to a new journey. A departure that has shattered my heart into pieces. There is no hopes in my life left. I do not even seem to have a craze to talk to my mother and children. She left me with a feeling that I can never get over with. I never loved anyone on this earth so much as I loved her. She hates me for that. She just can not see my heart. Its all about external worthiness. Heart does not seem to matter anymore for her. She said once “if I think that she is using me.. then let it be. I am such a worthless bastard”. I did not mind that also, since she is very short tempered and impatient. But what she did not see is that there is a soul that loves her more than anything on this earth. I would trade my life for her. But she does not find my life attractive, rather she sees it pathetic.

I do not know where I am going today. I would not know where I will be as well. I do not have anything left except her memories in my heart. She thought I was hurting her by writing my feelings in blogs. She thought that I saw her emails, and blamed me for hacking into her email. I was shocked with such blames put on me. I was not even aware of such email address she had. She called me many times and blamed me for everything that was happening around her. All it showed was that she wants someone to take the blame and she found the one that was with her during her tougher times. She never can comprehend the love and care I had. She wanted to get rid of me, after she found a new path and new life. I do not know what to do now. I am starting to walk through a painful path. But she will be in my heart and will always be in my heart as the best love of my life.

I gave her a word that she forgot. “She will be my last breath”. And she will be.


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